Quadruple Tree: A Mitch Hedberg Resort

One year ago today, my all time favorite comedian Mitch Hedberg passed away of a heart failure at the age of 37. I actually first found the news by browsing through some blogs when I was taken to one freshly updated page that spilled the news. It was rumored to be an early April fools joke but that later turned out to be untrue.

Mitch was a native of Saint Paul Minnesota and during the 90's, he helped resurrect the comedy scene there with his simple one liners and wry comedic delivery. Mitch provided something different, a break from the ordinary comedian and soon developed a large cult following. When once asked why he wasn't a house hold name yet he responded "Probably because most of my fans live in apartments." He made frequent appearances on Letterman and Conan, had his own Comedy Central special, two full length cds, as well as appearing in several movies and tv shows like Almost Famous and That 70's Show. His dream of his own HBO Special was in the works when he died.

I even had the opportunity, by accident, to see Mitch Hedberg live but was unable to fit it into my schedule last January during my trip to the University of Nebraska. My visit was complete and evening was rolling around, as we walked back to our car I noticed a sign in the union saying Mitch Hedberg was coming to town. I glanced at the date which just so happened to be the very same day we were there. We were not able to go though but now I really wish that we would have even though my Mom probably would not have like the show very much.

Since his death I have listened to his cds just as much, if not more than I had previously. I have even helped spread some of his material to friends who have all seemed to enjoy it. If you have never heard his stand up before I highly highly recommend that you go out and buy one of his cds, or talk to me and I will burn you a copy. Every one who enjoys comedy should hear this legendary but relatively unknown comedic genius. Talents like him come along once in a life time and it is a shame that his ended so suddenly at the peak of his career.

Mitch Hedberg

February 24, 1968 - March 29, 2005


Here are some of my favorite Mitch quotes

"I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter.

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry!"

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God damnit anyway!

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. I think it's a better system; I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought, "Man, here comes that frog...I'd better play dead." You never say, "Here comes that frog" in a terrified manner. It's always more optimistic, like, "Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me so I can pet him, and place him in a mayonnaise jar.. with a stick and a leaf.. to recreate what he's used to. And I'd certainly have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16-ounce world."

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something. "Why were you late?" "I got caught!" "Bullshit, let me see the inside of your lip!"

I want to climb a mountain — not so I can get to the top — cause I want to hang out at base camp. That seems fucking fun as shit. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around... "Hey, you going to the top?" — "Soon."

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrene, party of two, Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufrenes.

I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summertime, when we used to fire up the barbecue and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito Dad, you know how I like mine: with grill marks."

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again," because apparently they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me — "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait — Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

The flap on the inside of the vending machine is a great invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one...and every one on the bottom row!"

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "OK... instead of cutting it once, let's cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips." "Or potato salad." "Ok." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed. Spread the news on menus nationwide." "I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts." "Well you're not in the fucking club!"

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

See, I write jokes for a living, man. I sit in my hotel at night and think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and write 'em down. Or, if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't that funny

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

I want to be a race car passenger--just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Can I stick my feet out the window? Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide."

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why; that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say, "What the fuck am I supposed to do now? The water's only up to here. What should I do? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet? I can't even drown my kneecaps!"

I did a radio interview. The DJ's first question was, "Who are you?" I had to think, "Is this guy really deep? Or did I drive down to the wrong station?"

I wrote a letter to my dad. I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really." But I still wanted to use it! I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote, "I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad — there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away. Hello, Dad."

And then at the end of the letter I like to write, "P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? *Zip.* "Fuck you."

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "Fuck that. I'll get a tan instead."

I was in my hotel's shower, and I started washing my hair, then I looked at the bottle, and it turned out I was using body wash. It was like a scene from one of those action movies where they get real close to the object. I was like, "Body wash... BODY WASH?!?" And then I realized my hair was part of my body and I didn't even care.

I wanna see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so damn literal! "You're using that machine to its exact specification! That machine has been misunderstood for years."

Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, YOU throw this away."

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."