day to day

a new direction

back roads to the heart

Thursday, January 21, 2010

the light

I have written here for nearly 5 years. I started this blog in high school and through these posts I have transitioned from a teenager, to an adult. From a high school student, to a college graduate. This blog has served as my outlet, both for topics of frustration and for emotional and creative posts. I used to be a much more diligent blogger (stupid word) but I found that returning to this page left me uninspired. Old posts depressed me, and because of that, I found it hard to write new, interesting ones. There are some posts that I am very proud of still, I think that having this space allowed me to grow some as a writer. It gave me a place to try new things, or more often, just write for the sake of writing. I am thankful for that, and I will not delete this blog but rather keep it as an online vault of my coming of age, so to speak.

But now I am entering a new phase in my life, and with that comes new challenges and difficulties. I wish to continue writing because it is something that I have always enjoyed. However, I don't think this is the proper forum for my thoughts. I need a fresh start. I thought about moving to wordpress, but I didn't like the layout. So, I have created a new blogspot page, still accessible from my profile. I hope for brighter posts, but I know that dark days are inevitable and they may still come out.

So please, to any of you who may follow this blog or read occasionally, accept my apology for my lack of posts over the last year. I am sad to think that I am closing the door on this blog, but if you wish to follow me still I have created a new page.

http://throughthewindandtherain.blogspot.com

Friday, November 06, 2009

waters revisited

Nevermind the subject matter. Unable to sleep, I got out of bed and starting writing for the first time in months. For better or worse, our events together have inspired me like no one else ever has. It is kind of a response or a part 2 to the third section of an essay I wrote two years ago entitled Making Waves. http://solitarypalm.blogspot.com/2008_04_01_archive.html

Though true in every word, read this as a creative piece.



Virginia Beach – 2009. It was different this time. Instead of holding your hand as we walked toward the beach front, I opened the door so you could pull out the stroller for your son. I stood anxiously in the sun, watching from the sidewalk as you lathered him in sunscreen. Walking with you I couldn’t help but feel the eyes of everyone on the sidewalks or passing by in cars upon us. We looked so young. We are so young. And I know those people thought he was mine. I wish he were mine.


We crossed the street and stepped out onto the edge of the boardwalk. Atlantic Ocean straight ahead. I had wanted to come here, being so close, and you did just about all you could to keep me happy. We had to stash the stroller by the ramp when its wheels clogged in the loose sand. I had my camera, and I took a picture of you smiling so bright. We took one of us together too. There weren’t enough pictures last time. You carried Landon on your arm and I held your free hand as we searched for some open space to leave our things.

At the ocean's edge, the first touches of water greeted our toes. Each wave’s farthest reach ended in a foamy fizzing sound as it disappeared into the wet sand. Out deeper to the breakers, they crashed into our thighs. I was surprised by the lack of concern in Landon’s eyes. We edged out further, waist deep and the waves broke right at us. Water would splash up onto his face and he would not flinch. He seemed uninterested in the ocean’s attempt at intimidation. You took him back to the shore and sat with him between your legs while the water rolled in and out to your knees. I waded out deeper, past where I could touch and floated alone in the sea. It was different this time. I kept thinking you might come swimming up to me, and hang on my shoulders like you did before. Looking back, I could see you glowing in the sun. Your so beautiful. Your hair tossed by the breeze, I’d catch you gazing out at me between brushing sand off Landon and corralling him before the waves pulled him out to sea. I knew you couldn’t come in with me. I knew it wasn’t like the last time.

I couldn’t stay out long. It just didn’t feel right being away from you. You stood up as I walked toward you, I waited for you to turn and then I kissed you with my salty lips. I wanted anyone watching to see. To any observant eyes, this beautiful girl is mine.

We took Landon back to our towels and stretched them out over the hot sand. Last time we laid for a while with our backs to the sky and you brushed sand from my shoulder as we talked in the timeless summer afternoon. You gave him to me and I held him as he balanced awkwardly on two feet. Looking at him I could feel his tiny hands grip my fingers. Gently, I took my hands away, keeping them at each side in case he fell. And as I let go, you turned to see him stand on his own for the very first time. He balanced for a few seconds, standing on the least stable of surfaces, and when he dropped I made sure to catch him. I felt so special in that moment. To have a hand in his standing for the first time was as pure a feeling as I have ever felt. You smiled. "Oh my god, he's never done that before!" I could see how proud you were of him.

There were no sand castles this time, no wasting the hours away just the two of us on a towel. Our parking meter was running low, and dinner and bedtime were fast approaching. We packed up all our things; towels, shirts, shoes and baby and we walked back to the stroller stalled in sand. It was very different than the last time. But I came back for you, just like I promised. Even if it wasn't just you and me.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

bear with me

Dusk. Driving eastbound down I-90 from Idaho into Montana. The road dips left as we roll down a 5% grade, 80 miles an hour. "No brakes!" I say. Round one curve, then another, out of the mountain pass, nimbly maneuvering through the Northern Rockies. Off to the right side of the road a small creek runs cold clear water that reflects the dark moonlit shadows of evergreen pines. If not for the wind through the windows or the hum of my engine maybe we could hear it's trickle. Maybe, if we stopped to listen. No brakes. Sean and I sing to the 90's radio rock coming through the speakers.

Out of the pass the road stretches out to occupy its share of the narrow Clark Fork River Valley. Emerging from the darkness, a lumbery figure comes loping across the median and the Eastbound lanes. Illuminated by my headlights, I pull gently to the left lane as the figure vanishes into the night. It's shape, unmistakable. He has passed safely.

"Dude...that was a bear!"

An adrenaline fueled celebration ensues. The same kind of rush you get in your veins when you see the lights of a cop car in your rear view mirror, pull to the side only to watch him blaze on down the highway. Heartbeat speeds up, stomach muscles tighten. Anxious relief.

I've never seen a bear before. A real bear. I've seen them at the zoo. I've seen bear shit in the woods. Claw marks on a pine tree. Foot prints in the mud. But this bear was right in front of me. A black bear, not full grown. Probably an adolescent male looking to establish territory. I wonder where he was going, or if he had ever crossed the road before.

I'm glad I didn't hit him with my car. That wouldn't have been fun for anyone.

The road drags on, following the winding river all the way into Missoula. Turn the music up. Sing a little louder. We know all the words.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

announcment

Real posts coming again in August. Promise.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

my mind

How many tomorrows must pass before I sit down and write a real post? Each day I open this page and each day I move on. I open it as if to check to see if I updated in the middle of the night. When I notice I haven't, I think "Hm, I should do that now." But I don't. I wander on through the web, wasting time.

Here's whats on my mind:

Girl. Love. True love. Virginia. Future. Graduation. Graduate school? Virginia Tech? Job. Need a job. A real job. Debt. Loans. Money. I hate money. I don't have money. Bank account. $28 until the 1st. July. Sean. Friend. Best friend. Fun. Adventures. Until August. August. No friend. School. Last semester. 15 hours of Geography. Worth it? Probably. What good is a minor in Mountains? I like mountains. There's mountains in Virginia too. Virginia. Girl. Love. Life.

Repeatrepeatrepeatrepeatrepeatrepeatrepeatrepeatrepeatrepeat...

Monday, June 22, 2009

one heart

Worth the risk
A chance taken
The unknown awaited
An answer found
The possibilities ahead

If it only happens once
I want it to be you
If it only happens once
I promise to see this through

I will love
I will wait
I will smile
I will be there
I will be here

For you

Everything for you

Now we know
What we feel
Now we know
This time is real

We have one heart


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Friday, June 05, 2009

my bed in missoula

I wake up not knowing where I am.

I'm spinning, eyes closed, spinning faster and faster. An adrenaline rush. I can feel my heart beat on edge. A quickening palpitation. I'm hot, sweating. Suddenly it climaxes and I jolt myself awake. Where am I? What am I doing? Am I safe? For a few long seconds, I don't know the answers.

But I'm in my room. I'm on my bed. I'm safe. Safe from whatever it was in my mind, for now. These are strange sleeping habits I have been keeping.

Many times I have awoken like this, in the early morning or the middle of the night, unsure of anything. A quick panic. A sharp gasp. And then I realize where I am. Or where I am not. I'm not outside, not in the desert anymore. It's my apartment. I am okay.

I remember my first night out on the ground back in March. It was a cold night and I submerged my entire body into my sleeping bag, my lone chance for warmth, and closed my eyes. Minutes later I felt a panic setting in. A sense of claustrophobia. Have to get out, need air... I can't breathe, I'm going to suffocate myself! I jolted awake and broke through the small hole to air. I had never felt a panic like that while asleep. I was conscience, but in a semi-sleep state. It scared me.

I had lots of strange dreams while I was out. Many realizations. Some dreams translated into my life. Sometimes life translated into my dreams. Sometimes the line was blurred and I thought for a while that maybe the whole thing was just a dream. Once I climbed up over a ridge enroute to a lunch spot. I was hungry and am a faster hiker than most, especially uphill. I eclipsed the top and decended down the other side. Once down, I turned expecting to see the others not far behind me but there was nothing. It was silent. Just the windy desert and I. I kept watching for what felt like a long time. Still nothing. I started to think...this must not be real. I'm not really here... The silence of being alone continued on until finally they too crested the ridge.

I slept well most of the time. I got pretty good at sleeping on the ground with nothing but my bag and a thermarest between me and the Earth.


But I'm home now. And these strange sensations still occur on a somewhat consistent basis. Maybe my mind is not settled. Maybe my mind is trying to warm me of something.

I'm on edge in my favorite place. My bed in Missoula.

Monday, February 23, 2009

crow city, crow crow city

When I looked out my window yesterday afternoon I saw a large murder of crows strutting through the golf course behind my apartment. There must have been a couple hundred of them stretched out in a big group. They were moving mostly on foot as a unit across the soft wet grass. Crows are always a lot bigger up close than I expect them to be. They can be intimidating birds. At least, I think if I were another smaller bird and saw a crow I would be intimidated. Maybe that is why there are so many negative connotations associated with Crows. I have never really understood why they are so often despised. Their presence is considered to be a sign of death or bad luck. Even the name for a group of Crows, Murder, is laced in a negative light. The vocalization of their call is eerie, a sharp and quick "caw!" that they call out over and over again. It's spooky for sure and not as pleasing as the cheerful whistles that song birds usher out. Of course these Crows have at least stuck around for the winter, while those song birds took their music and fled South for warmer weather. Crows seem to be many things, but mostly I think they are survivors.

They were making a lot of noise, cawing back and forth to one another. I tried to focus on one and observe his movements but I could only keep my eye trained on one for a few minutes before I would wander to another Crow. I didn't really matter. They were all doing mostly the same thing. They were pecking at the ground and taking high, single steps across the leaf covered grass. As they walked, they flipped over leaves with their beaks and scoured the undersides and the moist ground for food. I don't' know what Crows eat. Bugs? Worms? Maybe they are opportunistic eaters and will eat whatever they can find.

I was able to concentrate on one Crow long enough to watch him move from one area of grass to another. As he left to fly, a mass of leaves were stuck to his foot. The leaves hung on until the Crow landed a few feet away and then the Crow shook his foot and pecked at the leaves until they fell off. With the annoyance gone, he continued pecking at the ground and another Crow flew in to take his previous place.

They all moved in a slow Southerly migration across the grass one after another filling in over and over again. Something spooked them. They all took off immediately, lifting themselves from the ground with their big black feathered wings and flew back to North to the safety of some nearby trees. I don't know what it was that scared them, but they were not sticking around to take any chances. I watched them fly high up into the air and circle down to the tree branches. They landed effortlessly onto the narrowest of branches and sat in the trees cawing back and forth to each other.

I wonder what they say to each other, if there is a leader who sounded the alarm, or if they act with some sort of group mentality when danger may be near. How do they choose what trees to land in, and who gets first pick of the best branches? It would probably be easier for me to list what I do actually know about Crows than to wonder on about what I don't.

Still, I don't mind their presence. And I wonder if they ever wonder about me.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

letterman's top ten list, minus letterman

These last two weeks or so I have been talking to Tori a lot more than I have in the past. I have been bringing her music each Monday and last week I stayed in her room and we ended up talking for about two hours. In the midst of our conversation she mentioned how she loves to make lists so she is thinking of becoming an estate lawyer. We also talked about her spring break where she plans to travel to Edmonton, Alberta. And my spring where I will be in southern Utah for a two month spring semester. And also about how she is going to study abroad in Ireland next spring. Before I left we agreed to make lists for each other of things to do in each of these places. I found making them to be very educational because I knew practically nothing about either Edmonton or Ireland. The lists themselves turned out pretty good, especially hers, so I think posting them as a blog is an acceptable move given my recent blogging drought.


Things to do in Edmonton

1) Ride the mindbender in Galaxyland inside Edmonton's Mall, the worlds largest indoor triple loop roller coaster.

2) Supposedly this mall attracts roughly 55,000 people per day. Not including yourself, count them.

3) Visit Fort Edmonton Park and experience life as a Canadian pioneer.

4) Ride the Edmonton Light Rail Transit system or the LRT as it is called by locals. On your ride, discuss with a local the convenience of the recent expansion of the rail.

5) Go see the Edmonton Oilers play a hockey game. Or, at the very least, find the Rexall Place where the team plays at 7424 118 Ave. N.W., Northlands, Edmonton and take a picture of it.
* Special Note: Under no circumstances should you attend the Nickelback concert on April 1st at Rexall Place. I find their music distasteful.

6) Visit the Royal Alberta Museum. Specifically, find the mountain cave exhibit that leads visitors under a real waterfall in the Wild Alberta section of the museum.

7) If you have money to spend, take a ride on the Edmonton Queen Riverboat and get a picturesque view of Downtown Edmonton from the river.

8) Eat at a restaurant in Edmonton's Chinatown North.

9) Your first stop for nightlife should be Filthy McNasty's bar and lounge. I just like the name.

10) Go ice skating at the Ice Palace. If possible, round up a group of particularly rough looking Canadian youths and challenge them to a pickup hockey game.


Things to do while in the Southwest

1. Make a snow angel in the red dirt. This fallen angel will be named Lucifer, or, more endearingly, Luci for short.

2. As you canoe through the Green River Labyrinth Canyon, make clever references to either Pan’s Labyrinth or The Labyrinth. (If I had seen either of those movies, I could give you an example. As it stands, I’ve got nothin’).

3. Find a cactus. Poke it. If it hurts, stop poking. If it doesn’t, poke it again. But just once more. You don’t want to be the weirdo poking cacti all day.

4. When you explore prehistoric human dwellings at Hovenweep National Monument, be sure to ask exactly what the Hovens were weeping about.

5. Ask your Navajo host family to teach you how to say, “I love cacti” in Navajovian. Or whatever their language is called.

6. Find a pet lizard. Name him Gomez. (It sounds exotic).

7. You will apparently be participating in a sweat with the Navajos. Be sure to complain loudly that you didn’t think it’d be so hot, and is there perchance any air conditioning nearby?

8. As you backpack through the Dark Canyon Primitive and Wilderness Areas, your only task it to not succumb to the dark side and remain somewhat civilized in those wild areas.

9. Instead of doing any of the readings for the course, burn the writings in the nightly bonfire. Say it was done as an act of survival. That hot dog isn’t gonna cook on lukewarm coals, after all.

10. During your mineral identification lessons, find a rock with the mineral talc in it. Keep it as your lucky rock. If it is not composed of talc, say it is anyways. If anyone disagrees with you, throw your lucky rock at them.


Things to do in Ireland

1) Cork is nicknamed "The Rebel City" so while you are there, don't do anything anyone tells you to do. You will want to fit in, you rebel you.

2) I assume that you will be attending University College Cork. Upon your arrival, schedule an appointment with the dean and tell him that the name is ridiculous. They should pick either Cork University or Cork College. Historically they have had a pattern of changing names so this should not be a problem.

3) Fiona Shaw is an alumni of Cork. She plays Petunia Dursley in the Harry Potter movies. Depending on how you feel about that character, find where she used to live and either create a shrine or throw eggs at the door.

4) Sneak into the Crawford Observatory and discover a new planet. Name it Toritopia.

5) Master that pesky Metric system and remember to spell words like "color" or "flavor" as "colour" and "flavour" no matter how silly the look with that extra letter.

6) Scour the Irish country side in search of leprechauns and their magical pot o' gold.

7) It may be in your best interest to create an Irish alias for yourself while you are there. Go by Tori O'Ainsworth. I think it sounds natural.

8) See if you can discover what locals call the Four Faced Liar.

9) If you are ever asked a question in class that you do not know the answer to, stand up confidently onto the top of your desk and start singing Danny Boy. The whole room is sure to join in with you.

10) Lastly, smuggle me into the country with you. I will have graduated by that time and be looking for new adventures.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

destinations

Chapter One: Winter Wonderland

I was slowly packing my bags the night before we were to leave. Anxiously, I watched the 10:00 news for the weather forecast. When they said snow was likely to start falling sometime after midnight, I texted Kelsi and suggested we leave for Nebraska now instead of early tomorrow. She thought that was a silly idea and didn't think it would go over well with her family. I countered that I would much rather drive on clear roads at night than on snowy roads during the day. No, no, no was all I heard. Besides, there is only supposed to be an inch maybe a little more in places in the morning. We will be fine. I gave up. Probably a bit too easily but I thought I had learned something a long time ago about arguing with women. Even when I know I'm right.

My alarm went off at 4:50 am. A couple minutes later I rolled out of bed and walked briskly to the back room to glance out the window. I turned on the light and shuddered at the snow falling through the air. Even worse, there were already several fresh inches of snow covering everything. The goal was to leave by 6. I turned on the weather channel and watched the local doplar radar closely. A low pressure system was right over Southeast Wyoming but all the moisture was falling directly over the Billings area and most of I-90 to Sheridan. Fantastic. The predicted 1 inch of snow had turned into 10 inches to a foot of snow in some places.

I loaded the car anyway and said goodbye to my parents. Kelsi and were going to try to leave anyway. The roads had not been plowed and I peered carefully through the windshield of my car as I made my way to her house a mile away. With all of her stuff loaded we ventured slowly to the interstate which had also not been plowed. I was driving 35-40 mph with my hands gripped tight to the steering wheel. Snow was coming down heavily and dawn began to crack a white-gray sky. South of Billings the road goes up and down over some big hills. I didn't feel safe driving. I looked at Kelsi and finally told her "I don't think we can do this right now." She responded "Yeah I know...We should have left last night."

I turned around 30 miles from home and headed back. Of course, somehow it was my fault for not better convincing Kelsi that we should have left last night to avoid the snow. Now we were at risk of being a day behind schedule. It was supposed to stop snowing sometime in the afternoon. We would just have to wait and see how things looked then.

I went back to bed. Around 3:30 the snow had stopped and the skies had cleared. I wanted to get back on schedule so I proposed leaving and driving either through the night until we got to Lincoln or just down the road until we could go no further. Against my mother's will I left for the road again.

I really don't mind driving at night. I have done it enough by now to be more than comfortable with it. The roads were not too bad for most of the way. There was ice on the road through Sherridan but after that they began to clear up. We stopped for coffee in Buffalo and as I merged back on to the interstate I had to slow down and swerve past two deer all without panic or spilling my cup of coffee. We encountered rogue snow flakes for about ten minutes that passed through the headlights despite our urgent cease and desist protests. Somewhere between there and Casper we rolled through what Kelsi and I described as Glitter Fog - really thick fog that seemed to Glitter in my headlights. But once we were beyond Casper we were out of the worst of it.

Back at our coffee break in Buffalo, we each bought one of those five hour energy shots that are always advertised on tv. We consoled with the lady at the register and she assured us that they do actually work. In Cheyenne, we decided to do our best to make it to Lincoln, Nebraska. It was midnight and we had a good 6 hours of driving left to do. We each took those energy shots there and continued on down the road. I guess they worked as we both stayed awake for the whole ride. When we stopped at Ogallala, NE to get gas I told Kelsi that if she could just drive the 55 miles from there to North Platte I would be fine to drive the rest of the way to Lincoln. I just needed a little break from the road since I had been driving for 12 hours straight. Kelsi took the wheel after adjusting the seat to its minimum difference to the pedals and then sat on a pillow so she could see over the steering wheel. She drove all the way to Kearney and then I made the home stretch to my Aunt Norma and Uncle Jerry's house in Lincoln.

We knocked on the door at 7 am sharp and they led us inside and downstairs to the guest bedrooms. "Just give us 4 hours or so and if we are not up by 11, come wake us up." They did and Kelsi and I both woke up refreshed. However, something wasn't quite right because neither of our stomachs felt very well. We went to Valentino's for lunch and I barely ate anything, just a few slices of pizza and half of a cookie bar. We blamed those 5 hour energy shots from the night before. To offset them, we stopped at Walgreens on the way out of town and bought a bottle of peptobismal to settle our stomachs.

Chapter Two: Ozark Mountain Roads.

On our 17 mile stretch through Iowa, I happened to observe a man dressed in camouflage who had pulled his truck over onto the median and was approaching a dead deer with a big bowie knife in his hand. That's funny, I thought.

It started snowing again between St. Joseph and and Kansas City. The snow wasn't bad though and didn't slow us down. Once through Kansas City it looked like things might clear up for a while. However, that was not the case as we drove right into a heavy rain system. At least it was rain and not freezing rain.

We reached Columbia around 7:30 and decided to eat at Fazoli's. It was there that I called Emily to get more specific directions to her house. I met Emily in one of my environmental studies classes this semester. We always sat in the same seats next to each other and about a month into class I finally initiated a conversation with her. I waited all the way until finals week to actually ask her to go do something outside of class. We met at a coffee shop for a good hour or so. At that time this trip was still in pre-planning phases and I mentioned it as a possibility over this up coming break. She immediately volunteered her house as a place to stay along the road if we wanted. She lives in Southeast Missouri in a little town called Annapolis. It is not really on the way to anything, but for a free place to stay, I decided to make it on the way.

I was confident enough in my driving abilities and in my trusty Rand McNally Atlas that I could successfully navigate all the way to her town. When I asked what the best way to get there was, she paused for a moment and said "hold on...I'm going to let you talk to my dad." Her dad gave me step by step directions from Columbia all the way down. Unfortunately, I didn't have a pen with me to write them down so I did my best to remember each one. It was decided that Emily would meet me at the school, and since there is no cell phone service in that area, I would call from about 45 miles away.

The rain dissipated somewhere outside of St. Louis. It was a welcome reprieve as it seemed like we had not had a break from the elements nearly the entire trip. Heading south on 55, we exited the interstate and began our adventure onto Missouri state and county highways. We zigzagged across the way, turning onto a road we weren't sure was the right one but it seemed to be going in the right direction. It turned out it was the right one. Then I had to make a decision to stay on route B or turn on route BB. I couldn't remember. I later found out they actually end up going to the same place. The road we took seemed like a classic Ozark road. Two narrow lanes, tight curves and lots of ups and downs. Kelsi gets car sick easily and had to wear these bracelets with a pressure point around her wrist to keep her from getting sick. I put those things to the test because I was having fun flying over the roads. There had been a lot of rain in that area today and in many places water seeped from the uphill side of the road and ran down across it. Somewhere, Kelsi saw her first opossum loaf across the road just in front of me.

We eventually made it to our destination. Emily met us in the parking lot and we followed her out of town and over another Ozark mountain road to her parent's house. It is a beautiful old schoolhouse that they have remodeled. Her parents were there to greet us and talk with us a little bit, and then we headed downstairs where there were two pullout couches to sleep on. We stayed up talking a little while and watched the end of Old School on tv.

In the morning we were served a delicious breakfast. Outside the sun was shining and the sky had returned to its regular hue of blue. We weren't in a big rush and Emily's dad proposed that, if we had a few minutes, would we like to see the area a little before we left? That sounded fine to us. I went back downstairs to get my shoes and before we left, Emily's dad showed me the back room of the basement where he has his potting studio. We walked in and he opened up a big secret vault like door that revealed a little shelved room that housed his rock collection. Crystals and all kinds of beautiful, carefully selected rocks adorned the shelves. He said he had found about half of them and then traded for the other half. It was quite the cool collection and I wished that I had known more about rocks so that I could have made some smart sounding comment.

We climbed in to his big truck and he drove us down to Big Creek near their property where they spend some good time in the summer. Then he drove us up to the top of a hill where there is an old church and a cemetery that looks out over the small valley where they live. It really is a beautiful area, even in winter when all the leaves are gone.

We left the house around 9:30, but not before they sent us away with two home made sandwich's for the road. Emily led us out on a dirt road that splashed over a creek running high across the road from last nights rain. She was in that same big truck and just went right through it. I looked at Kelsi and said, "Well, I hope my little car makes it..." and followed right behind. At the stop sign we got out and she gave me some quick directions to Sikeston and the interstate. Then we hugged and said our goodbyes, of course we would be back in a few days.

Chapter three: Driving Through the Southland

I like the Ozarks. It is a nice part of Missouri, much nicer than the interstate. I'm really glad that we decided to venture off the blue roads a little and onto the back roads. I'm also glad that Emily lives in such a remote area and was kind enough to over us a place to stay on our trip.

It was a beautiful morning as we drove out of the Ozarks and onto the Mississippi delta. Soon, I told Kelsi, we would officially be in the South. We merged back on to 55 and crossed into Arkansas, and then crossed the mighty Mississippi River into Memphis, Tennessee. We weren't there for long though because we soon crossed into the state of Mississippi. We were looking for a BBQ place to eat in Memphis but somehow, on the exit I picked we couldn't find one that was open. Technically we were in Horn Lake, MS so that could have had a little to do with it. We settled on Zaxby's, a restaurant I was most looking forward to on this trip. Zaxby's is a chicken restaurant and they do chicken right. At the counter an attractive looking blonde girl took my order. She had that sexy southern accent that wasn't too thick and I just about melted when she asked me what I would like today. I was tempted to just have her read the menu to me so I could listen a little longer.

Kelsi got her order taken by the black lady working, who not to sound raciest, but if you are a little Montana girl who has had very little exposure to Southern culture, can be a bit difficult to understand sometimes. We got our food though, and it was just as amazingly delicious as I remember it being in Georgia.

I let Kelsi drive through most of Mississippi. Mississippi gets a bad name sometimes but the state is quietly beautiful. I love the pine forest lined roads and the simple subtle beauty of the state. I wanted Kelsi to get some kind of big city driving experience and I decided that the capital city of Jackson would be a good warm up. She tried to revolt against me and gave me many death glares but eventually settled in and accepted what she had to do. I lied to her and said it will be easy you just have to stay on this road. Actually you have to exit onto Eastbound I-20 and then exit again onto Southbound Highway 49 towards Hattiesburg but what she didn't know didn't hurt her. Traffic wasn't bad at all and all of the roads were handled quite smoothly. "Was that so bad?" I asked. "No, no I guess it wasn't."

It had started to rain again and I took over driving for the home stretch. Once through Hattiesburg it really isn't that far to Mobile, Alabama. I remembered this road from when James, Mike and I met my friend Chris in Panama City, Florida right after we graduated high school. That was a fun trip.

We crossed into Alabama and quickly came upon Mobile. Last time I was in Mobile I managed to get us a little lost but this time I sailed right through problem free. Government Street in downtown Mobile is probably one of the most beautiful city streets in America. Big Live Oak trees with hanging Spanish Moss line both sides of the street and behind those majestic trees sit many classic plantation style mansions.

Sean lives in the little boot of Alabama that sits between the Florida panhandle and Mobile Bay. I had been there once a long time ago to Gulf Shores, but didn't really remember the rest of the area. It is a nice part with a little more money than the rest of the state, which makes sense because of the location and proximity to the coast. After some shaky directions from Sean we turned into his subdivision lot where he stood outside his house waiting. We got our stuff inside and soon enough we were back driving, this time in Sean's truck, to the nearest Sonic for a cream slush. After that we went out to the Mobile Bay pier and walked out to the end. When we got back to the house we decided to put in Tropic Thunder. I tried to stay awake but about half way through I stole the bed that Kelsi was going to sleep on and fell asleep.

Chapter four: Sea Side Sunsets

Sean's parents got us up early for breakfast. Kelsi had her first true experience with grits. Mmm, grits. If prepared correctly, they are quite good. We decided to go to the beach that day as Kelsi had never seen the ocean before either. It is only about 20 miles to Gulf Shores from where Sean lives. By the time we got up and out of the house it was close to lunch time. The first restaurant we stopped at was busy. We sat out on the deck in the sunshine and for some reason they forgot about us and never served us. After about 20 minutes of sitting there I looked at Sean and said "Let's go somewhere else." So we drove down the street a ways and found an even better sea food restaurant.

Later, we finally did make it to the beach. The air was warm enough and if I had brought my bathing suite with me, which I stupidly had not, I would have gotten in the water. Instead we waded in up to our knees and let the waves push past our legs, scoured the shore for interesting looking shells, examined washed up jellyfish and I eventually made a fantastic sand castle as the afternoon faded away. The sunset was fantastic the first night there and I took a whole bunch of pictures and then watched as the very top of the sun sunk below the ocean.

On the way back to Sean's house we stopped to pick up his mom from work at Walgreens. It was the first time that I really met his mom. She was there briefly the night before but went to shortly after getting home. She was very nice and has a really thick accent that Kelsi could not help giggling a little about.

Sean's parents decided to take us out to a fancy seafood restaurant that night called the Oyster House. It was a two story building and inside there were pictures covering all the walls. Along the entry there were pictures of the building during and after hurricanes had come through. Along the walls were pictures of famous people, athletes and others who had come to the Oyster House, and along the walls were we sat were pictures of people and giant fish they had caught.

To start off, Sean's dad insisted that we all have a cup of Gumbo, which I had never had before. I was suspicious at first, but it was one of the more delicious things I have eaten. Another appetizer of fried crayfish tails was also on the table. I had never eaten that either and was equally suspicious but they were also very tasty, much better than I was expecting. As an entree' I ordered fried shrimp in a sweet chipotle sauce. The sauce was fantastic. I even tried an oyster from Kelsi's plate. It tasted more or less how I imagine the sea floor would taste if you put a spoonful into your mouth. As everyone finished up their meals, the waitress came by and asked if anyone would like a dessert, maybe a slice of key lime pie? Well, that sounded great to me. I looked around and said "I think I will have a slice of key lime pie." That got everyone started and she returned shortly with several slices of key lime pie. After that we all had a cup of coffee and sat for a while digesting our delicious meal. It was the best seafood I have ever had and Sean's dad must have dropped between $150 and $200 on dinner for all of us.

The next day we decided to drive out to Fort Morgan. Fort Morgan is an old civil war post that has been preserved like many others in the region and turned into a national historic site. On our way out we stopped at Krystal for lunch. If you are not familiar with Krystal it is kind of like White Castle. They make tiny little burgers that are really moist and delicious. We ordered the 12 pack that came with two large fries and two large drinks. Kelsi wasn't feeling well so Sean and I devoured the burgers on our way out to the fort. These old civil war forts are really cool because there are so many little rooms within them. They are fun to explore and wander through.

We returned to the beach that evening. This time we had brought our bathing suites with us but it was just a little too chilly to get in the water. Instead, we more or less repeated what we had done the previous night at the beach. The sunset this night was even more spectacular and I got some really great pictures.

Chapter five: Football in Florida

The true purpose of this trip was to venture to Jacksonville for the Gator Bowl and watch Nebraska beat Clemson in person. It all started from a facebook message I sent to Sean that simply said "let's go to the Gator Bowl in Jacksonville on New Years Day." He responded a couple days later with "That sounds very fun, and possible at the same time." After that, I just made it happen.

The next morning we left Alabama and headed East on I-10. It was New Year's Eve Day and we planned on spending that evening on Amelia Island with my friend Kristen who was driving down with her dad to Miami to watch Virginia Tech play Cincinnati in the Sugar Bowl. We were racing, more or less. They were driving down from Roanoke, Virginia and had about 120 more miles to cover.

We stopped for lunch at Sonny's Real Pit BBQ in Tallahassee and from there made good time through the green, pine lined interstate all the way to our Days Inn a block from the Atlantic. I had booked the room online and was somewhat skeptical that it would all actually work out but when I walked up and told them my name they found my reservation and everything was set.

We won the race because Kristen was stuck in traffic about an hour behind us. In the mean time we decided to walk down and check out the beach. I like the Atlantic ocean a lot more than the gulf. The beaches are so much bigger and the waves are better. It was also a lot colder here than in Alabama. We had just missed the sunset, but on the East coast the sunrise is the better one to catch anyway. We walked back to the motel and changed into our swim suites so we could sit in the hot tub for a while. After about 15 minutes in the hot water I walked out over to the pool, determined to jump in. I convinced the other two to come with me. I didn't test the waters and instead jumped right in. When I did, a shock came over my body. The water was ice cold! I came up and tried to restrain the shock so that Kelsi would jump in. I was impressed because she came jumping right in too and as she was in mid-air I looked up and Sean and said "Dude, it's like an ice bath!" But Sean had to jump in too and after he did we rushed back to the safety of the hot tub.

Kristen's dad made reservations in the same motel as us so when they finally arrived I walked up the stairs to their room to say hello. I had suggested that the group of us go out and eat dinner at the grille on the beach but her dad was intent on ordering Chinese and watching football in the room.

The restaurant we went out to was a little more classy on the inside than it looked from the outside. The menu was a little higher priced than I was expecting. Kristen ordered an appetizer of calamari which it turns out is just a fancy word for squid! They were little breaded and fried squid and they actually tasted alright. Our server's name was Bo and he was an interesting character. Kind of hard to describe without being there but at one point he took away a couple of used plates and then took out a napkin and wiped away the crumbs from Sean's side of the table...very slowly and deliberately. It was a mixture of awkwardness and hushed hilarity as it happened.

We returned to the motel after acquiring some beverages for the evening from the local Food Lion. There we talked and watched the end of some college football games. When it got close to time we flipped the channel to watch the ball drop in real time as the new year came in. It wasn't the most exciting New Years Eve because not a whole lot happened but it was probably one of my favorites. I'm glad 2008 is over and gone.

Game day. We were not the only Gator Bowl fans to stay at the Days Inn. The night before I talked with a couple of fellow Nebraska fans about the game and noticed several vehicles adorned with Clemson gear. During the night and early morning hours I remember hearing several chants of "Goooo Biiiiig Reeeed!" and a Clemson chant where they apparently just spell out Clemson.

At 9:30 my alarm went off and by 10:30 we were out the door and driving toward Jacksonville. I had brought extra Nebraska clothing for my two friends to make them Husker fans for a day! We parked a good half mile or so away from the stadium in a $10 lot. Mine was the only Nebraska vehicle in there and when I got out I said hello to the group of Clemson fans I had parked next to. They took a look at my car and then my liscense plate and asked "Did you really drive all the way from Montana?" I laughed and said "Yep. Took us a good four days." They laughed and said something about how this must feel like summer to us. We were dressed in tshirts and flip flops and they were wearing sweaters and wrapped up in a blanket. "I just knew that even if it was a little cold down here it would be a lot warmer than what we have been having up there. Might as well make the most of it!"

We walked toward the stadium and wandered through the parking lots full of tailgaters. After an inept search for food from a nearby restaurant, we just decided to walk into the stadium and get something there. I am sure that we could have easily walked up to any Nebraska tailgating party and told them how far we had driven and they would have happily fed us. Instead, I payed $4 for a mediocre hotdog. It didn't matter though. It was nearly game time!

I think we got lucky because we were in a great section of Nebraska fans. I ordered through the Nebraska ticket office to make sure that we didn't end up in a mixed section. Instead, this section was vocal and vibrant! We stood when standing was neccessary and sometimes even when it wasn't. We yelled until it hurt and then we yelled some more. We laughed, we cried out in disappointment for our team to better preform. We chanted, we clapped and we celebrated. We carried our defense just like they controlled the game and encouraged our offense to the best of our abilities. We slapped fives in celebration and finally... Finally we shared our collective happiness in sweet jubulent victory!

It was a fantastic game. We definitely got our moneys worth. Nebraska won 26-21 in a thriller that came down to the last possession and finally culminated in Nebraska lining up in the victory formation for a kneel down. Not only that, but I made life long Husker fans out of both Kelsi and Sean.

Walking out of the stadium we chanted, no, proudly yelled "HUSKER!" "POWER!" through the ramps all the way out of the stadium and down the street. We high fived strangers and yelled with what little voice we had left. It is pretty cool to think that just having a Nebraska red shirt on instantly makes you friends with 30,000 other people in the area who would gladly help you out if you needed it or be more than happy to answer a Gooo Biiiig Redddd chant.

Once back at the car the same group of Clemson fans were standing back by their vehicle. I said hello again and "It's a long drive back to Montana." They laughed a little and one said "At least ya'll got the W..." "That does make the drive a little better" I wished them well and they to us the same and we drove off. Into the sunset, I would like to believe...

On our way back to the island we ate at Chilis before returning to the hotel. There were fans from both sides dotting the seats. In celebration I decided to order a strawberry Daquiri. A few moments later the waitress came out with two tall glasses in her hand. "Oh I just wanted to order one," I said. Turns out it was two for one night! I handed my keys over to Sean and sipped away on the taste of victory.

Chapter six: Back to Bama

When we left in the morning, I drove not South on I-95, but North. We were so close, I thought it would be silly not to drive in to Georgia so Kelsi could mark off an 8th state from her list. We just crossed the border to Kingston and then took some back highways over to Folkston and then down through the little bootleg of Georgia. I had never been to this part of the state before either. We skirted the edges of the Okefenokee Swamp but we saw very little swamp and no alligators, though we kept a close lookout. Most of what we saw was planted pine pulp wood that grew in nice little rows. It seems that that is all that is down there in that region. I partially wanted to visit this region because of a book I had read for one of my classes called Ecology of a Cracker Childhood. Janisse Ray grew up just north of where we were and talked about the longleaf pine forest that used to cover this region but has been largely cleared to make room for the pulp trees we saw. That area was pretty in its own way. I like driving on a narrow highway with pine trees lining either side of the road.

When we got back to the interstate at Lake City, FL we stopped to gas up and inside bought a cup full of hot boiled peanuts. We had seen signs up and down the roads since Mississippi and Kelsi had never tried or even heard of them before. We should have bought from someone along the side of the road but the gas station ones were just as good.

Once back in Alabama at Sean's house, we decided to drive to the beach around 10:00 in order to go crabbing. There was heavy fog all the way down to the waves and it was eerily cool to watch the moisture and fog roll off the waves and up onto land. Our crabbing hunt was unsucessful, we didn't even see one. We drove out to the pavillion where there were less lights and still did not see any crabs scutteling across the sand.

Instead, it was quite picturesque sitting on the beach at night. Watching the stars through the light rolling fog, listening to the waves wash up on shore. It was beautiful. It was romantic. By this point though I was a little tired of watching Sean and Kelsi flirt all day and night. Being on the beach was a little hard for me because of all the memories from the last time I was there. I didn't want to say anything to them because I know how much they missed each other and if it would have been me I would have been doing the exact same thing. I just felt a little left out some of the time. This was partly why I had suggested to Emily the idea that she come with us about a week before we were to leave. She told me she would really consider it but in the end, she decided to stay in Missouri. Still, that night I wanted to sit alone for a little while in the sand and reflect, but even that didn't last long.

Before going back to the house, it was imperative that we stop at Waffle House. It was about 1 am - in other words, the perfect time for Waffle House. I ordered the Pecan Waffle and a cup of chocolate milk. I have discovered, in my varied experiences with Waffle House, that through the first quarter of the waffle I think "Yes, this is delicious! Keep eating!" By the time I am half way done I slow down and think "I'm in a pretty good place right now." When the waffle is three quarters consumed I start to realize "Now would be a good time to stop..." And finally, when the entire waffle is devoured I feel like death is a real possibility if I eat anything else.

The next day we spent lounging around the house most of the day. Somehow I slept in until noon on the living room couch. Sean and I kicked a soccer ball for a while and then tossed a football back and forth outside. For dinner we decided to go to a local Mexican place. There were several in the area and I suggested we go to the one that looked the worst from the outside. Usually they have the best food inside. The burrito I ordered was about the size of my forearm, maybe a little thicker. Quantity was backed up with quality, it was very tasty.

Some good thunder storms were rolling through and we decided not to do much else with the day. We went back to the house and watched the Alabama vs Utah game on tv. After that, I pretty much called it a night.

Chapter seven: The Long Road Home

We left at a decent time that morning. As I loaded up the car I was starting to sweat a little. It was 9:30 am and it was already over 75 degrees and humid. It is easy to forget that winter is actually a season down there some times. We exchanged goodbyes, no tears this time. I will admit that I could not help but let a tear or two fall this past summer the night Sean moved away. This time though, we all parted ways in good spirits.

The goal was to get to Emily's house by a decent time that night. The sky clouded over in Mississippi and rained most of the way from Jackson to Memphis. This particular stretch of road seemed to take forever to cover going back where as before it went by fast. I stopped about 10 miles outside of Memphis at a Waffle House around 4. I was tired and had a strange craving for a waffle and a cup of coffee. Inside I got just that. I told Kelsi to pick a city; Memphis, St. Louis, or Kansas City because she was going to drive through one of them. She threw her usual fit about this being unfair and dangerous and a terrible idea but eventually she succumbed to the notion and chose Memphis. I think she picked Memphis just to get it out of the way early. She got lucky again because the traffic was hardly even noticeable.

She only drove about 30 miles before she wanted to switch across the border in Arkansas. It was dark but I wanted to take some back highways that looked shorter on the map than the interstate up to Popular Bluff, MO. We exited toward Jonesboro, AR and when we pulled through town I was shocked to see a Zaxby's. I wasn't really that hungry but I decided it was necessary to have that delicious chicken one last time. We got our food to go and ate on the road. I had pretty much exhausted my choice selection of ipod music so we decided to surf the radio. One of the station there was 96 "oink" 1: The Pig. We coudn't stop laughing about it.

Eventually we cruised into Missouri. I had called Emily's house from Memphis but she wasn't home so I left a message with her sister to let her know we would be there in about 4 hours. I called again from Popular Bluff but the line was busy. I tried a third time in a smaller town right before we turned onto the real back highways to her house. Still, the line was busy. Well, I thought, now I will have to put my directional and memorizational skills to the test to see if I can find her house. I got us back to the road she had pointed us out on, but could not remember if the dirt road we followed her down had a name. Kelsi and I guessed three different times and each time decided that this was not the one and turned back around to the highway. I had no cell phone service. Eventually, we decided to just drive back into town and try to find a high spot to see if we could get service. If not, I was planning on stopping at a house with a light on and asking for directions. Both her parents taught at the school, so I was sure someone would know them. But as luck would have it, I got one bar back at the school parking lot. My call went through and she even answered the phone. She gave me brief directions and off we went again.

Since we got in a little earlier, we decided to watch Semi-Pro in the basement down where our beds were. Kelsi fell asleep half way through and then somehow woke up for her favorite part of the movie when the bear escapes and Will Ferrell shouts out "If you have a small child use it as a shield!"

In the morning Emily cooked us breakfast and we left by 10:30. We didn't have as far to drive this day so we decided to tour the St. Louis Arch. Once I got into the city I exited downtown and found a parking garage to park in. We walked down a couple blocks to the Arch and took some pictures from the outside. When I walked down into the museum that sits below the arch, I was surprised to see all the 9/11 style airport security that we had to pass through before we could enter. If we had had more time and were willing to pay the $14 a piece ticket we would have taken the little space shuttle ride up to the top where there are windows to look out over the city.

It was around 3 by the time we left the Arch and we had somehow skipped lunch. I knew of a restaurant in St. Charles that I had wanted to eat at on the way down but wasn't able to fit in because of our mixed up schedule. I stopped at a gas station and asked the lady behind the counter if she knew where the restaurant was. She did not but was more than happy to look through the phone book and find out for me. Kelsi was skeptical again about my insistence upon eating at a certain place. It just so turns out though that I may have saved the best for last. We found Locos and upon having our fill of an appetizer, delicious sandwich and fries decided that Locos may have collectively been our favorite food stop of the entire trip.

It seemed like the stretch of road from Kansas City to the Iowa border was in some sort of time warp where it kept looping over and over and we would never get out of Missouri. When we finally did cross the line, I calculated that we should arrive at my aunts house at 10:00. 9:55 if we were lucky. We pulled into their drive way at 9:54. If nothing else, I was impressed. We also were just in time for the thrilling 4th quarter conclusion of the Texas vs Ohio State game.

In the morning we got away early and made good time across the state. We were in North Platte by lunch and decided to stop at a Runza. There were about eight cop cars in the parking lot and they were all eating together in a little back conference room. As Kelsi and I were about half way through our meals a group of construction workers came and sat across from us. I looked at Kelsi and said "If an Indian Chief walks in here next I am going to start singing the YMCA." She thought that was pretty funny but was too worried to start laughing because she thought they migh have overheard us.

I let her drive from there all the way to the interstate in Wyoming. There is pretty much just one road that goes from Scottsbluff to Wyoming. Somewhere at the very end of Nebraska I was looking at the map. I pointed out the last Nebraska town as we were driving through it and then said that next is Torrington so the Wyoming border must be about a mile or two away. I never did see the sign welcoming us to the state so when the signs for Torrington appeared I kept a straight face and said "We are already in Torrington? That's funny I never saw the Wyoming sign...we must have made a wrong turn somewhere." Kelsi immediatly pulls into a gas station parking lot and I just start laughing because I can't believe she really believed me. "Where could we have possibly turned?" I said. She wasn't very happy, but forgave me shortly after.

In Casper we ate a nice dinner and prepared ourselves for the home stretch. Four hours home, we thought. The roads were a little icy the rest of the way home and in the small mountain pass between the Montana and Wyoming border snow started to fall and cover the roads. This slowed us down and forced me to drive extra cautiously, which of course cut into our original anticipated arrival time.

Thankfully we made the whole trip problem free. Soon enough we were pulling into my driveway and already wishing that we hadn't even left yet and were just about ready to start all over again.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

snow blindness

Midnight rolls around the clock. I'm sitting in the living room watching Craig Ferguson by myself. Everyone else has gone to bed. I'm bored. My legs feel like walking. I stroll to the back rooms where the dogs sleep quietly on the floor. It is 3 degrees outside and a nice steady snow is falling faintly through the night. I'm thinking. I'm planning. And soon enough, I find myself putting on snow boots, a sweat shirt, my winter coat, hat, heavy gloves, and digging a scarf out of the closet to wrap around my face.

I shut the door behind me. The dogs inside watch me quizzically through the glass. I smile and turn away, my face toward the snow passing through the light and the dark. Low clouds and a dull orange-pink glow linger in the clouds in directions above my head. The snow flakes are small and the air doesn't feel too cold.

I walk. Stumble through the snow. My footprints trudge through the snow behind me, trenching my way through the smooth and clean white topped surface. There is a good 10 inches on the ground it seems like. Maybe more. I'm wandering. I'm wondering. I'm looking for something in the snowy, dark and cluttered night.

Walking through what seems like a road, I'm not really sure, a make slow steps. I'm aiming for a line of trees several hundred yards ahead. My steps are uneven and when I wander too far left or right, I slide into snow below my knees. I'm still not cold. My scarf is wrapped up over my nose and my hat has slid down just above my eyes. I look through a narrow window at the world surrounding me. This landscape. This snowscape.

When I get to the trees I walk among them. I was hoping for a low branch to sit on but there are no good prospects. Instead, I walk to the end and climb up a few feet off the ground, wedging myself between a low split in the trunk. I try to keep quiet. I try to listen to the snow and to the night. The snow taps lightly on my coat, a soft pat that dashes in front of my eyes. This isn't the optimum reflecting place. I-94 is not too far away to the South. I can see lights glowing in the distance. There is a train track that wraps around me in every direction but East. The silence is cluttered.

The trees lose me on my own accord. I have grown impatient with myself. I walk along them on what I am sure is a dirt road now. There are rabbit tracks everywhere. They are a lot more elegant in the snow than mine. I follow one for a while, tracing it between the trees and criss crossing the road. I'm not sure if I am following it forwards or backwards.

Somewhere, I lose the twisted tracks amongst the tangled trees.

I walk East along the road toward the canal. The snow is deep up along the bank. I hold onto a metal tee-post in the ground as I lean over. If I fall, I might have trouble finding a decent place to climb back out.

Instead of venturing further, I decide to turn back toward the house. I meander through the ag station's barns and buildings. I walk toward a light. The snow on the ground shines and sparkles like a white blanket emulating the stars covered by the clouds. I stop every third step or so to stare at the snow flying through the light. I tried to write a poem once about falling snow a long time ago. The only part I like has always stuck with me. Maybe it will find it's place someday.

The snow seems to fall
With no direction at all
but down

Past the light, I turn into the Lyon's Club park area. The snow must be a foot deep here. I spot a swing set standing near the fence and trudge through the snow in that direction. I'm still not cold. I still don't feel like I have wondered nearly enough. I edge closer to the swing and notice the snow stacked upon all three seats. This would make a good photograph. Instead, I knock the snow off and sit down to swing. My feet push through the powdery snow and I dig a whole with my feet beneath me with each pass.

I swing. Up and down. Back and forth. Forward and back. I laugh because I am taken back to the last time I was in swing set. Not that long ago, some time this past summer. In another state. Another place. With another face. This night won't end like that one. Not a chance in the world.

I leave the swing set and continue my wandering out to the road that parallels the train track. I walk back toward the house. I hear the train whistle blow and echo through the valley from the South. There is a coal train making the big turn up ahead. It is moving slowly across the tracks. As the length of its cars make it around the bend, I hear the engine pick up steam. Its bright light shines in my direction and I am frozen. I want to move to the bushes for some reason, afraid that the train might see me but I don't. I stand still. The snow appears to be falling more heavily in the light of the train. It moves closer toward me and lets out its first whistle. I am expecting it. But the sound is so loud that it scares me and makes me jump. Seconds later, the whistle blares again and I just as surprised. The engine is right in front of me and it lets out a third, short blare that races into my ears and I jump a third time. Wow. It's just a coal train but it looks like something out of a dream in the snowy night. I take steps off the road and move closer toward the tracks. I am wary of venturing to close but I am entranced in the motion of the cars, the light and constant sounds that shake the air from the wheels and the rail. What if something happened and one of these cars flip over? I would be crushed for sure. I'm sure I wouldn't have time to react and run away fast enough. The motion and power in front of me is entrancing and I stare as the cars go by. Soon enough, the last engine rolls by as it pushes from behind.

I stare off to the East in the direction the train has rolled off to. I look up. All around. I feel like it is time to go back inside. I don't feel like I have found anything tonight.

Snow blindness.

Monday, December 22, 2008

solstice

Winter solstice. The shortest day of the year, and the "official" beginning of winter. Considering the last two weeks or so, if today is the first day of winter, I am a little nervous as to what is in store for the rest of the season. I'm already shaking, but that could just be the temperature. Last night the low here at the house in Huntley was -27. I should specify that that was the temperature outside the house and not inside the house. Inside it is a different kind of cold. It is a cold that creeps into you and seeps up through your toes and shoulders. Wool socks are a must. I have been wearing the same pair of sweatpants and long sleeved shirt since I have been home without shame. At night, the bed I sleep in is brisk upon entry to say the least. I don't really feel like I am sufficiently warm until mid to late morning when it is time to get up. I like sleeping in cold rooms, but last night I was covered in three blankets. -27 is nothing to take lightly.

That is really cold.

It's so cold that it hurts to breathe when I step outside at night.

It's so cold that the dogs have been sleeping inside the house at night. Most of the day too. There is hair everywhere...

My job has been to let the dogs out and pee before I go to bed. I walk into the back room where they are supposed to stay to wake them up. "Come on dogs! Let's go, let's go!" They think they are going on an adventure. But Zip is always timid to exit the house if I am still standing inside, thinking he might be on the receiving end of a bitterly cold trick. So I have to walk out with them through the gate and stand in the driveway while the quickly go about their business. It's interesting that they always go to the same place in the yard. I guess I always go to the same place in the house though.

The best thing about the Solstice is that, although there may be many more freezing days and nights to come, we are back on the upswing in terms of daylight. The sun set here around 4:30, at least that is what I was told. The sun never really made a real appearance from behind the clouds. It was just gloomy and cold all day long.

There isn't a lot to do around here. Fortunately there are a lot of movies and football that need watching, and a big HDTV to watch it on.

Really though, I am counting down the days until December 26th. The day after Christmas is the day that Kelsi and I will embark on a cross country journey to the fabled Deep South. We will drive across the high plateau and scrub lands of Montana and Wyoming and then parallel the Platte River of Nebraska all the way to Lincoln, Nebraska. From there we journey south and east where we will eventually arrive at my new friend Emily's house in the Ozarks of southeast Missouri. The next day, with or without Emily in tow, we traverse across the south along the Mississippi Delta all the way to Fairhope, Alabama to Sean's home. But Alabama is not the final destination, on New Year's Eve Day we will leave for Fernandina Beach, Florida which is about 40 miles north and east of Jacksonville. The next day is the heart of the matter. On New Year's Day, Sean, Kelsi, and I will attend the Gator Bowl and watch what should be a great match up between Nebraska and Clemson. I have secured Nebraska shirts for all involved and have the tickets waiting on the desk in my room.

I'm excited about the trip. I'm excited to drive, to eat at the regional restaurants I love so much, to visit the beach, to feel the warmth of the winter sun, to experience New Year's Eve on the beach, to go to the game, and to see a great friend.

Happy Solstice!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

december's midnight breeze

I heard my blinds shake
A winter whisper through my window
I felt your heart race
Summer solstice in a slide show

I saw the bright light
And your brown eyes
Finally felt right
Under city skies

I felt rain drops
Watched your tears fall
Heard the music stop
Held you through it all

I ignored everyone
And remembered everything

I heard your soft voice
Tell the sweetest lie
In the white noise
Heard the truth die

Smelled the ocean's breath
And the mountain's pine
Wondered what the future held
Lost track of time

I heard my blinds shake
Some sleepless December breeze
Blow across the night
Trigger memories

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Tuesday, December 02, 2008

journals

The first night I was home over Thanksgiving break I was lying in bed unable to sleep. I felt the urge to write, but I had left my notebook at my apartment in Missoula. It was late, my ears were ringing for some reason, and I didn't want to keep laying there. I scrounged around the room and discovered a stack of notebooks on one of the bookshelves. To cure my craze, I picked it up and wrote. I liked it so much that I kept what just might look like to another as a "journal" while I was home. It was nice to translate the jumbled thoughts in my mind down onto paper and reflect.

11/25/08

It's good to be home. For the first time since the move to Montana I actually do feel like this is home. We left Missoula today a little after 5:00 and journeyed across I-90 in the dark all the way here, arriving around 10:30. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and the days to come. I guess I didn't realize how much I've missed my parents until I walked in the door. They were glad to see Caitlin and I too, but from the way they have decorated the house it is easy to see that they are glad to have us as visitors instead of full time residents. To be honest, I'm glad it is that way too.

My ears are still ringing from the drive. This writing is a nice way to pass the time and focus my brain elsewhere. The static just grows louder when I try to ignore it. I haven't really been sleeping well for the past couple weeks anyhow. I don't know why. A train just blew it's whistle and I can hear it rushing by on the tracks outside the house. There is a train that I always hear out my apartment window in Missoula around 2:30 am. It is softer, and I only hear the sound of the whistle a few times before it is gone. I tried to write a poem about it last night but I stalled a few lines in. I guess it is some consolation that if I am inspired by train whistles I will get plenty of practice these next few days.

I have been slacking in my writing lately. There is no excuse, I just have not been motivated. This journaling feels good though. I rarely push pen to paper anymore. I suppose it is also good practice for this spring when I will be out in the canyon country of Utah for two months. I'm looking forward to the change of pace, change of lifestyle, and change of scenery it will bring.

I feel like I'm doing a lot of looking forward. It's probably better than looking back which is about the only way I have been looking for the past year. Then again, it is nice to have something to look forward to rather than nothing at all. Still, I feel like I don't do enough looking at the "now." I don't really live in the present enough. I'm always holding out for something better. Something later. Maybe just something else. I want to start doing less of that and more of this. The present. How do I do that? I don't really know, but I like that I have identified something and I like the sound that this pen and paper creates.

Well, it seems like I am stalling again, which is bad because my ears are roaring with static even worse than before. But I have written about 3 pages now and the clock is moving in on 2am. I should try to get some sleep. If I'm lucky it will come easy. If I'm not, maybe I will be back to work on that poem some more...

Good night. JM

11/27/08

Today was Thanksgiving. Preparations started yesterday with the making of the pies, the orange jello salad, and the thawing of the turkey. I slept in this morning. I probably didn't get out of bed until 11:30 or noon. I was awake, but comfortable. Also, my phone kept buzzing with people sending me happy Thanksgiving messages. Getting out of bed late has its advantages though. I only had to wait a few hours for the actual Thanksgiving dinner to take place. As has become tradition of sorts these past several years, in absence of a prayer, we go around the table and each say what we are thankful for this year. There are always the usual good health, togetherness, food on the table which are for sure more than enough to be thankful for all in their own and perhaps more than many people in the rest of the world can say. In fact, it is strange to think about. It is like I so often take those simple, integral things for granted in search of something more. I said I was thankful for a new president, Barrack Obama that will soon (not soon enough!) lead this country in a hopefully more responsible and respectable manner than what we have seen these past 8 years.

But I am thankful for so much more. It is hard to quantify everything into a list. There is one thing especially. It came in one of my texts this morning. It said "Happy Thanksgiving, darling." I responded by wishing her a happy Thanksgiving as well. I thought about saying more, but I didn't. I feel like there is always something more I could say to her. Several minutes later I got a response; "I am thankful to have shared love with you." Exactly what I was going to include in my previous message. And I am thankful. Very much so. Everyone says she is or was bad for me but no one really, truly knows but her and me. I am so thankful for the experience we had because when it was good I can't possibly imagine anything better. I am thankful to have been loved by someone, and to have felt love, Real Love, for someone else. People say you just know and when I was with her I felt it. I knew. There is no real way to describe the magnitude of emotion that I felt. Love. That was it. And to have it reciprocated made it complete. True. I am thankful to have shared Love with her, even if it is to remain in the past tense. I am thankful to have shared love with her.

It gets dark so early here. Some time after 4 the sun was already sinking fast, and by 5:15 its last lights were receding. At this pint I was also recovering from the tryptophan induced stupor that I had forced upon myself earlier. The meal was delicious as always and there will be plenty of leftovers for many days to come. The short daylight is an adjustment from the summer when the sun sticks around until 9:30 or 10. But now I get falsely tired early and think it is bed time at 7.

Well here I was earlier tonight contemplating whether or not I really had anything to talk about and I am already spilling over to page 4. I guess words really get rolling once I get started. A train is roaring by again and it is already getting close to 2am so I should do myself a favor and get some sleep.


Good night. JM

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

challenge

Here is where I lost myself
Under my own intentions
Miraged in some new found wealth
It took the best of me
Love translates to loneliness
If anything remains
Torn though I continue to be
You still have what's left of me

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Friday, November 07, 2008

washington state

I made my first trip to the Seattle area last weekend. I left Missoula around 3 and headed West in my car across I-90. It felt good to be in my car again. I haven't really driven much since this summer, and even then it wasn't in my car. The fall colors of the mountains are fading fast, dropping leaves with every swift breeze. I think the western Larch might be one of my favorites. It is a deciduous coniferous, an evergreen that drops its needles. Before they fall, they turn yellow, gold, and beautiful. Lighting up the mountains amongst the dark greens of the pines and firs. In the spring they are bright, almost neon green. There was a certain section of the mountains that the sunlight hit just right as I crossed into Idaho. If I hadn't been driving, I would have taken a picture.

My first stop was in Post Falls, Idaho, just west of Coeur D' Alene. I discovered last winter that Post Falls is home to the closest Sonic. There are no Sonics here, yet we are still tortured with their delicious drink commercials. As soon as I pulled in I gave my Mom a call. "Mom," I said trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible, "I have a question for you."
"Okay, well, what is it?"
I tried to remain composed as I responded, "Well, I'm here at Sonic, and I just don't know what flavor cream slush to get! I mean should I get grape, or orange, or cherry? I just don't know!"
Laughter ensued as she called me names but I think it was worth it. It's not like she wouldn't do the very same thing if she had been in my place.

After Post Falls I drove into Washington state and through the city of Spokane. From there I took my first turn South on highway 91 toward the little college town of Pullman where Washington State University is located. In Montana, the speed limit on the interstate and most highways is 75. I'm used to driving that fast and it is convenient because I can travel long distances in shorter times. Along this stretch of highway however, the speed limit was a lowly 60 miles per hour. I felt like I was crawling and I was too worried to speed with out of state licence plates. I navigated the rolling hills of the aggregated Paluse region of Eastern Washington and finally rolled into Pullman after dark.

Dan, my old roomie, was waiting outside the apartment. He is in a sort of college limbo right now. He graduated from Montana last spring and moved to Pullman so he could go to vet school at Washington State. But before he can enroll into the vet school he has to take a number of gen eds that he somehow missed at Montana. It is weird, and he doesn't really enjoy being stuck in a class full of freshmen. This semester he is taking chemistry, physics, and biology, all with labs. It is funny to imagine Dan with his flannel and lumberjack beard sitting in a desk next to some 17 and 18 year olds who barely even need to shave yet.

Although it was dark, it was still early when I got there. Also it was Halloween night. Dan said we had three options for the evening. 1. Go out to a party with one of his roommates. 2. Head out to the bars for the evening. Or 3. Go out and find our own beverages to bring back to the apartment. After some thought, I suggested option 1, which would be later followed by option 2.

Pullman has a population of about 27,000 people, and the University has a population of about 22,000, so when the students are in town it effectively doubles the town population. The town is also built on rolling hills so it reminded me of being in Lawrence again. Students were out and about wondering the streets and party hoping everywhere as the evening settled in. I went with a group of about 6 other people. The party we went to was alright. I wanted to go out and see what the atmosphere was like since I didn't know anyone but Dan. There were lots of interesting costumes and some scantily clad ladies. Dan, almost by magic, kept finding drinks of something called Washington Apple. I later discovered that it is Crown Royal, sour apple schnapps, and cranberry juice. In any case, it was surprisingly tasty.

After a good hour or so at the party and several Washington Apples later, we decided it was time to go to the bars. After one of the girls we rode with parked the car, we split up although we were supposed to meet again later, but it never happened. Dan and I went to his favorite bar Rico's, to play pool. In side there was a band playing and we walked the stairs up to the loft area where the pool tables were. There, we ordered a jazz cocktail which had orange juice, sprite, and Baileys Irish Cream in a cup of ice. It was also quite tasty and may have aided my pool playing abilities. Once we decided not to spend any more quarters on pool, we wondered downtown in search of the rest of our group, who happened to have the vehicles, but were unable to find them. So, with our options limited, we were forced to walk uphill back to Dan's apartment. By this time it was after midnight and the people out wondering the streets were pretty intoxicated. I have discovered that all girls pretty much sound the same when they are drunk - one loud voice with no volume control and repetitively whinny. We passed many on our walk back.

In the morning, we left Pullman in Dan's car on our way to his Mom's house in Seattle. We crossed the Paluse, the Columbia River, and the part of central Washington that looks an awful lot like Wyoming - bare, treeless, shrub land, only with an occasional apple orchard. Finally, we reached the Cascades and Snoqualmie Pass. I liked all the names of the places in Washington. Snoqualmie, Wenatchee, Issaquah, etc. It was raining, not surprisingly, and that made for poor picture taking opportunities. But it was still an enjoyable view most of the way.

When we made it to Dan's Mom's apartment, we both sat down in front of the big flat screen tv for some much needed football watching. To supplement for lunch, Dan made his famous Corn Dip, along with a variety of other snack foods provided by his Mom. The Corn Dip was as delicious as I remember it being, and I think I ate a good 1/3 of it.

At half time of the Nebraska v Oklahoma game we left the apartment and drove into town to meet Dan's brother Tim, at a sports bar. There we watched the rest of the miserable Nebraska game over a pitcher of Blue Moon, and the exciting finish of the Texas v Texas Tech game. After that, we spent most of the rest of the evening playing pool in the back. Later, and after a few more drinks, the Karaoke machine was set up. Tim walked up to Dan and I after we finished another game of pool and said "Ya know what, I kind of feel like singing some karaoke. I think we all should." I was not all for the idea but I thought what the heck, I don't know any of these people here, why not! Tim walked up to inquire about getting us on the list and did so successfully. When they called our names we walked up to the stage and sang what amounted to probably the most beautiful three part harmony version of Afternoon Delight that bar has ever witnessed!

Sunday brought the real reason for my trip in the first place. We had tickets to the Seattle Seahawks v Philadelphia Eagles game for that afternoon. We awoke early, and after a delicious house breakfast made our way through the downtown traffic. We sat in traffic for at least an hour and a half waiting to turn toward Quest Stadium, but we finally made it. I was surprised that Dan's Mom was not the least bit hesitant to pay $40 for parking. All four of us were dressed in green Eagles shirts and we made our way through the mass of Seahawks fan to our seats. And they were really good seats, which they should have been for as much as they cost! The stadium is designed to be one of the loudest, and I must say, it lived up to the reputation. The first play for the Seahawks was a 90 yard touchdown pass which sent the crowd into a frenzy. After that though, it was all Eagles who scored 26 unanswered. By the fourth quarter, and after a near fight just three rows ahead of us, most of the Seattle fans had cleared out and us Philly fans moved down closer to the field. At the conclusion of the game we all moved over to the tunnel where they players left the field. As they did, many of them waved and threw their gloves or hats up to the fans. I tried yelling at Correl Buckhalter, and Stewart Bradley, but they didn't hear me. I should have yelled something about Nebraska to get their attention. When Andy Reid, the Eagles coach, walked under waving at the fans, I yelled for him to toss his majestic mustache to us, but alas, he did not. The very last player to walk into the tunnel was Donovan McNabb. He ran to the entrance and bent back letting out some primal sort of yell that got everyone even more excited. Watching at the end was easily the best part of the game.

On our way back to the Apartment, we drove through downtown Seattle so I could get a good look at the city. I saw the Space Needle, and probably 10 Starbucks, amongst other things. I wish that I would have had more time to spend there so I could really experience the city. The next time I go there I will make sure to allot that kind of time, as well as maybe enough for a trip over to the Olympic Peninsula.

The trip was definitely worth the money and the time. I had a lot of fun with Dan and Tim and wish I could have spent a little more time there. Maybe most importantly of all, on the way back from the game that night, we stopped at Panera Bread just so I could order my favorite sandwich and a half dozen Cinnamon Crunch bagels. Mmmm!